Go Away Halloween.

Halloween is a Tired Holiday

Oct 14, 2019

Let me just say it out loud – I’m so over Halloween it’s pathetic.

Actually I think the entire Halloween holiday at this point is pathetic, and since this is my blog, I’m going to throw it out here like a turd in a punch bowl and dare you to say anything back.  Ha!  Perhaps I’m really a wicked witch, did you ever think that one through?

Halloween, when I was a kid, was sort of a fun “holiday”; when my kid was a kid, it was starting to lose its luster, and the logistics were starting to become a real pain in the ass.  As long as there have been kids on earth, there have been people doing mean things to kids, and one advantage Halloween has for those types is that no one notices if they are dressed up and running around chasing kids for nefarious purposes.

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And besides that, kids don’t need a bunch of candy, only the candy makers thrive on Halloween.  And the dentists too, it stands to reason.  And the drug companies, since they are the ones who make insulin and all those other lose weight, control cholesterol, get skinny (as if anyone is even really onboard with skinny any more, geez…) that end up being the ‘antidote’ to all that sugar and all those calories.

Is it really a sexy holiday?  Was it ever?

The other thing that’s dying a quick (and needed) death in the Halloween process is the sexy whatever costume.  Seriously.  It’s the one day of the year where costume companies can toss anything into the ‘sexy bin’ and get people to buy it.  Sexy trash collector?  Check.  Sexy butcher?  Check.  (more on this one in a bit) Sexy dog walker?  Check.  Sexy landscaper?  Check.  Yeah, you get the idea.

These things are not inherently sexy and putting a set of tits on them does not make them sexy, no matter what you are led to believe by the internet or the print circulars that still come in your mailbox since we can’t stop killing trees.  (I am hopeful they can start making paper out of hemp, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?)

[READ: The Day Net Neutrality Died – BLOG ARCHIVE]

There really isn’t any good food associated with Halloween, either – which is unfortunate, since that would possibly be the one reason to pluck it out of the dustbin and keep it hidden in the closet until next year.  Candy corn is the most obnoxious, foul, stuff ever to be poured out of a can of high fructose corn syrup, and at some point, we all have to decide that eating a Costco sized bag of miniature candy bars is a horrible thing to do, even if the kids didn’t show up to collect the loot as they have in years past.

Maybe I’m just getting old?

Right.  I know I’m getting older and I don’t really go out looking for trouble the way that I used to, but aside from a year in Dallas at the Oak Lawn festivities (and really, who could ever expect to top that?  Dressed as a fruit platter!), I haven’t exactly been bowled over by the Halloween parties that I’ve attended.  Again, chucking out some blue corn tortillas on a platter with a big of canned salsa isn’t quite cutting it in my culinary world.

The only real Halloween party that I’m still in favor of attending isn’t even that – it’s the Saturday party in Richmond for the Great Pumpkin Regatta, which is one of my sappy favorites to race in the Bay.  First time I ever drove a race in SF was at Great Pumpkin, first race I drove there I ran right over the pin end of the line since I didn’t understand the current and didn’t listen to the tactician.  Go figure.

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On the other hand, I am absolutely fascinated with El Dia de los Muertos!  The sugar skulls, the crazy colors and the beautiful altars constructed to honor the departed – this is amazing to me, and I find it not only intriguing but chock a block full of super cool stuff that doesn’t make you fat, rot your teeth or make you look like you’ve been stuff into a plastic sausage casing that’s printed to look like a sexy grocery store manager.

So this year at my house, we won’t be doing anything for Halloween.  We’ve been in our current place for three years now (this will be our fourth Halloween) and the foot traffic from the kids was mediocre on year one, nonexistent basically on year two, and last year we didn’t even turn the lights on, and the doorbell never rang at all.  So we can skip the 10 pound back of mini candy bars at Costco this year, and just watch some Hulu or some Prime instead.

I would also like to point out that a mantilla and a pericon can make anyone look sexy!



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